Electronically uncoupling

Before you think this is the rant of an old cynic, let me start by saying I am a hopeless romantic — surprises, flowers, love songs, mushy movies, happily ever afters — I love them all. And I have been waiting for my Prince Charming since I was five, with my wedding day and honeymoon et al already planned. But there’s one thing that my five-year-old-self didn’t anticipate would be a part of our relationship — a smart phone.

It’s app to you 
Most teens and young adults of today come ready to face the world armed with iPhone 100s and Samsung S 200s. But with great technology come some truly useless apps — some of which are concocted exclusively for couples. Want to speed dial your love? Download an app to store her picture that you can click on to call her (because obviously just adding her number to your regular speed dial isn’t enough). Had a tiff and don’t know how to make up? There’s an app to gauge your partner’s mood and give you tips to say sorry. And those who are in long distance relationships can send their partners virtual hugs and kisses through an app called Avocado.

While some would ‘awww’ at these apps, I personally (yes, the same hopeless romantic I told you about earlier), think they’re a waste of time. What’s happened to good old romance? It’s enough that we’re puking our private lives onto social media, but do we really need an app to let the world know when, where and how we last had sex? (Check out the I Just Made Love app if you think I’m joking).

Clearing cookies   
I’m all for technology — it’s great to get to talk to prospective partners on WhatsApp and Facebook for a while before a first date. It helps you get comfortable, and know what you’re in for before meeting in person. But let’s face it, applications that let you track your partner via their GPS, or know who they last messaged or spoke to on the phone probably cause more harm than good. And don’t even get me started on the blue ticks WhatsApp recently introduced (also known as ‘that-thing-that-caused-my-last-ten-fights-and-subsequent-break-up’). These tech advances may have bettered our lives, but they’re also invading our relationships to the extent that ‘ThumbKissing’ — where partners put their thumbs on their phones and when both meet the same spot, the phones vibrate, the thumbs having “kissed” each other — gives us more joy than the actual act!

‘Tech’ it away
This New Year, I’ve made a resolution I’m most definitely going to live by. Yes, I’m going to download apps on my phone. Yes, I’ll be saving photos of my dates, all the mushy messages, and maybe even the odd couple-selfie or ten. But NO, I’m not going to fill my phone with apps that let me track my partner’s every move and calculate how many times he snores at night.

Let’s pledge to download a little more love in our lives and a little less I-need-an-app-to-be-aware-of-your-every-move-and-contact-with-the-outside-world. And a note to all the guys out there — if you want to “ThumbKiss” me, it’s a goodbye from this lover of all things romantic.