It Ain’t Cricket…!? | Verve Magazine
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May 08, 2015

It Ain’t Cricket…!?

Text by Nittal Chandarana

What happens when a test purist converses with an IPL fanatic? Read on to find out

Grandpa: You’re watching NH1 again? That Bieber boy?

Dhruv: No, dadu! It’s the IPL. They have the coolest DJ! And the TV channel is VH1. Also, I listen to Drake. Bieber is for girls.

Grandpa: I have never understood why you need music in the middle of cricket. Acha, what’s the score?

Dhruv: 110-2. And yes, of course! You need something in the middle for entertainment, no. Five whole hours, what to do?

Grandpa: They can do exactly what we did for five whole days. Your men in blue looked much better in white.

Dhruv: Oh that’s going away fo’ shizz.

Grandpa: Really?

Dhruv: Okay, not really. But it should! It’s criminal to bore the audience so much.

Grandpa: They’re called spectators.

Dhruv: You’re like a walking talking thesaurus! Now, watch…Yuvi’s on his eighth six. You think he’ll do it?

Grandpa: I certainly hope not. At this rate, he’ll be out soon.

Dhruv: Arre, that’s okay! Twenty overs, right? Do or die. They’ve got Duminy coming in next and I really want to watch his innings. Plus, I kinda like the Delhi Daredevils cheerleaders.

Grandpa: I’ve heard the Pune cheerleaders dance beautifully–

Dhruv: Oh please! They’re into some bharatnatyamlavani jazz. Who wants to watch that?

Grandpa: And he’s out! I told you this would happen if he keeps playing recklessly.

Dhruv: Wait! The match ref hasn’t said anything yet. There’s still hope.

Grandpa: It’s called umpire–

Dhruv: Ref! He’s kinda like the 5th umpire. Watches replays and determines the result.

Grandpa: So then what about the cameras on the umpire’s helmet?

Dhruv: Those? Oh, those are so that we can watch the match from his angle.

Grandpa: So what’s the verdict? Is your Domino coming in to play after all?

Dhruv: Hang on a sec…aaaand they’ll tell us after the break. So much drama! Dadu watch this ad. My friend made that on his iPhone!

Grandpa: I am old and may not know about these things but that doesn’t mean you fabricate nonsense.

Dhruv: No, no! I’m not lying. So anyone can make an ad for Pepsi and they’ll telecast it. It’s some new campaign. Isn’t it cool?

Grandpa: Why haven’t you made one yet?

Dhruv: Papa’s not buying me an iPho–

Grandpa: Wicket! And oh, the music comes on again?! But what a lovely song. It’s Kishore Kumar!

Dhruv: DJ Aqueel, dadu.

Grandpa: Er, acha koi nahi. But look at that. What a beautiful catch. Is it a replay? But it’s so close! This is not so bad. Ask your mum to make us some tea and snacks. We must watch the whole thing.

Dhruv: If we were there, we’d be having pizza and cola on our seats. But everyone at home thinks it’s too loud.

Grandpa: Which it is.

Dhruv: Nope. Music stops sharp at 10. Regressive laws.

Grandpa: Ah, not all integrity is lost. By the way, your Duminy hits a mean cover drive. I think he’s going to win it for Delhi.

Dhruv: Possibly. Mumbai has been playing miserably this season.

Grandpa: Don’t be too sure. This sport has a way of springing surprises.

Dhruv: Right. Why not have our own bit of fun? Let’s bet on it. If Delhi wins, you’re taking me to watch the next match live.

Grandpa: Hmm. Not a bad proposition. And if Mumbai wins, you’re taking me to watch the next match live.

Dhruv: Not bad, dadu. Warming up to the IPL, are we?

Grandpa: Better than NH1, right?

Dhruv: It’s VH–

Grandpa: And he’s out!

Dhruv: Whaaa? Already? I don’t believe this. But this means that…

Grandpa: It’s a tie. Match khatam.

Dhruv: SUPER OVER! Now they’ll have to play another–

Grandpa: Never mind, never mind. No more explanation. I’ll take you for the next one. Pizza’s on you.

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