A Plague Upon Your Existence! | Verve Magazine
India's premier luxury lifestyle women's magazine
July 13, 2015

A Plague Upon Your Existence!

Text by Nittal Chandarana

11 abuses any woman will find handy for ‘that’ moment. Really.

A writer must update her vocabulary from time to time. Especially, her lexicon of abuses. In fact, this is for every foul-mouthed woman craving an elaborate dictionary of insults. The common fare never really cut it. Besides, there’s no way the Censor Board can play killjoy with these. Here’s the writer’s guide to castigation.

Gobblefunk Bashi-bazouk!
Erm, What? Disorderly; Irregular Soldier noted for lack of discipline
Wordsmith The Turks. We heard it from the Captain. Aye, Hergé.
Owning it I may have OCD but you’re a total bashi-bazouk when it comes to your desk.

Gobblefunk Turncloak
Erm, What? A treacherous person who deserts one cause in order to join an opposing one. Variation of the original turncoat.
Wordsmith George RR Martin
Owning it I just saw that turncloak check in to Serafina when he said he’d be here. I’m never inviting him again.

Gobblefunk Quogwinkle
Erm, What? An alien from space.
Wordsmith Roald Dahl
Owning it Only an ill-informed quogwinkle wouldn’t know what net neutrality is.

Gobblefunk Scallywag
Erm, What? A deceitful and unreliable scoundrel.
Wordsmith American Civil War. No, really. ‘Twas used for Southerners. We read it in an Enid Blyton book of short stories.
Owning it That scallywag stole my sandwich! MY sandwich!

Gobblefunk Dementor
Erm, What? They suck the happiness out of you.
Wordsmith JK Rowling
Owning it On a deserted island, if given a choice, I’d pick a dementor over you each time.

Gobblefunk Jiggered
Erm, What? There is no hope.
Wordsmith Roald Dahl
Owning it Fuschia socks with white clothes in the washing machine?! You jiggered quogwinkle, you.

Gobblefunk Toss-pot
Erm, What? Drunkard.
Wordsmith The English. We believe in JRR Tolkein.
Owning it This toss-pot hasn’t seen a sober day in his life.

Gobblefunk Canker-blossom
Erm, What? A grub that destroys the blossom of love/A thief of love and innocence.
Wordsmith William Shakespeare
Owning it My canker-blossom of a boyfriend doesn’t believe in Valentine’s Day. I mean, he sneezed into the scented candles.

Gobblefunk Addle-pated lumps of anthracite!
Erm, What? The Capt’s vocabulary surpasses the Oxford English Dictionary.
Wordsmith Hergé
Owning it What have those addle-pated lumps of anthracite banned now?

Gobblefunk Mimsy
Erm, What? Blend of miserable and flimsy.
Wordsmith Lewis Carroll
Owning it Not even baby pictures bring a smile to that mimsy face.

Gobblefunk Umbridge
Erm, What? The terrible headmistress. (I must not tell lies. *Shivers*)
Wordsmith JK Rowling
Owning it Umbridge. (Ask any Harry potter fan exactly how effective this is and they’ll instinctively clutch their rights arms in pain)

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