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December 31, 2014

The Big Fifteen

Text by Nittal Chandarana

As the year draws to a close, Verve lists 15 things you must avoid, to sashay into – and through – 2015 with dignity and style

1. No going solo: New Year’s Eve is not the night for a solo wine and rom-com fest a la Bridget Jones (although it might just win you a Darcy). Wear that fancy dress, put on some rouge and gulp down a few drinks. Reinforce the ‘happy start to a happy year’ phrase.

2. No shunning diets: Must make a night of it, must wiggle into that perfect dress. Keep an alarm tone that near about bursts those eardrums, get yourself some fine workout gear, change your world one burpee at a time.

3. Head held high: Let’s promise to not drunk-text the ex. There’s a reason he didn’t make it to your present!

4. Too cool for school: The days for being pushed amidst overflowing crowds with silly starters and bad alcohol is past. Hit that friend’s farmhouse party. Let bratty teenagers get their fix of commercial venues.

5. Falsettos: New Year resolutions are happy white lies we tell ourselves. Wait for the sun to dawn before solemnly swearing off alcohol and other niceties of life. But haven’t you heard? The best cure for a hangover is to never stop drinking.

6. Attempt at nirvana: Take time off, travel and bond with the family instead of being a constant Jack-in-the-box. Brownie points if you also thought of the famous ‘You’re not your job’ monologue from… but we’re not allowed to talk about that, are we?

7. Fashion forecast: “Aztec prints are so done, ya! And animal prints were never my thing.” Trust us, they never should have been anyone’s thing. Do not carry the baggage of Aztec with you through to 2015. Embrace a new trend, or better yet – make one of your own.

8. Exercise vocal chords and eardrums: Delete all those dating apps. Bring back romance!

9. Procrastinators Anonymous: High-five to all those who have a perpetual bout of the ‘I’ll do it tomorrow’ syndrome. Unfortunately, our lives do not have the boon of genies and magical lamps. Finish it now. Let relief take over.

10. Too much of a bad thing: #Pleasedontusehashtags #Steerclearoffoodpornpictures. Computer deaths must be at an all time high with users flinging them around on account of trying to decipher all the hashtag love.

11. Trendy trifles: If you’ve ever missed a deadline because of binge-watching videos, hold a hand to your heart and recite: no more. How long before you’re nominating three others to do the same and this becomes the next ALS ice bucket challenge?

12. Once bitten, twice shy: Sitting up for online portal sales is so 2014. For all those freebie hogs bitten by the Flipkart no-sale, don’t spend a night waiting on a coupon code. Try telling yourself the ‘it’s not shopping, it’s investing’ lie. Swipe that credit card for full price.

13. Reading mojo on: Burn all those Half Girlfriends and Oh Shit, Not Agains but do tell us about the last Wodehouse you read. We’re always listening.

14. Voyeur alert: Get over the cheap thrills of watching reality TV. Yes, Raghu is still screaming at obnoxious teens, Karishma Tanna’s voice-box is achieving higher decibel levels and Sabyasachi designed yet another shaadi ka joda for yet another hopeful bride.

15. Slay the jabberwocky: It’s sinful to be around people whose first response is a ‘No’. Embrace the Alice philosophy. List down six impossible things before breakfast and go about achieving them through the day.

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