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February 24, 2015

Fifty Shades of Nay

Text by Nittal Chandarana

Christian Grey tries to give his beloved an Audi, among other things (pun intended). We give the exasperating leading lady something that E.L. James forgot: A spine and lessons in the word “No”

So we’ve all figured out that Fifty Shades of Grey is old wine in a new bottle, and if you think about it, nothing more than a good ol’ fairytale. There’s a mooning Prince Charming, a virginal damsel perpetually in distress, the best friend and rival, a psycho villain and true love’s kiss. Okay, kisses. Okay, all the sex. We never endorsed sexist fairy tales and we’d rather Ana was an Austenian heroine who would think more than twice before accepting this modern–day Darcy’s overtures. We give Ana lessons in “No”. (Particularly important in India right now, as the censor board likes their Grey very virginal White.)

Stalking Now, one may secretly enjoy boasting about a handsome stalker but there are boundaries. Take off mysteriously to one of those Greek islands for a holiday with your girls (after blocking him from every social media platform you are on and presenting Sherlock levels of genius while giving his bodyguards a slip). Send him one Retrica-washed photo because you also secretly miss him. Watch him seethe.

Inappropriate gifts A Blackberry was fine but a new set of wheels? Whimper a little as you wave your Audi goodbye. Insist on switching his R8 with your Beetle if he persists. Self-respect intact, you may have just won yourself a fancy new car.

Handcuffs/Tying up Keep asking for a chance to check your phone for that very important work email. Also ask for water, coffee, maybe a salad, the new summer catalogue of Hermes, till the red-blooded man is reminded of his grandiose ego and releases you, if only to stop being ordered around. If you are asked to reciprocate, handcuff the man by all means and take off for your own afternoon of adventure with the summer catalogue.

Blindfolding Once blindfolded, say this out loud: “I finally get what Gandhari from Mahabharata felt when she voluntarily blindfolded herself for life”. Before he can respond, whip out an image of the saintly woman and see all sign of excitement drain away from his face.

Spanking Don’t worry. You can always pillow-fight your way out to a truce. But if our all too well-prepared man here fashions a whip, plain state that this BDSM fantasy works with you cracking the whip.

Ben Wa Balls Recite “I will if you will”. Watch him get confused. Laugh off the idea as a monstrous atrocity. Toss the equipment into the nearest bin you can find. Dust your hands like a Bollywood antagonist who has just disposed evidence of murder.

Girl-time sex If you’re on your girl time, and Grey STILL doesn’t relent, throw a PMS fit. And wrangle him into watching that part in No Strings Attached where Ashton Kutcher made a period tape for Natalie Portman. Proceed to bellow Bleeding Love at supersonic levels.

Bathtub So there’s a special bath with bubble water, candles and sensual music in tow. Oh, get in by all means and make sure to latch the door on him. Maybe after asking for a book. You deserve an evening to yourself after all that evasiveness. This is your chance to drawl “Laters, baby!”

Vanilla Sex Okay, you are allowed this one slip. “I thought you’d never ask,” seems like an appropriate reply to this offering.

If, after all this, your Christian Grey still persists, you have either found yourself a keeper or an obsessive stalker. Good luck with that!

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